Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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