Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
