he told me I talked like a deaf person
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
