the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
