at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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