I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
