My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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