I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
