I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
