3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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