I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
