rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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