Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
