Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
