Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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