I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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