Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
