Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
