Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
