I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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