I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the day after is always just damage control
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
