What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
