I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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