Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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