FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Ketchup is God's man juice
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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