I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
