Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
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