Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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