Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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