I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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