The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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