You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
