she's into porn, im staying here tonight
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
