The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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