Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Come see our sink grown plant.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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