Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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