hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.