i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE