On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
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Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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