I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize