Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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