Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
