I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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