Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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