She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
