Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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