Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
