My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
