my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
