I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
