i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
