i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
