i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
