someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
