I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
