I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
