I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
