My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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