I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
