I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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